Totem: Pages 17-18

Weapon'd

With a root of a pine, a bough and a boulder,

Made I this cudgel asleep 'pon my shoulder.

Each hungry dawning I solemnly greet it.

Sacred thing, Weapon'd, so I will not eat it.

Come closer and sniff at the truth on my breath.

Life is a scree of pain, hunger and death.

But no matter how desperate and starving my need,

I must not eat Weapon'd, that is the Creed.

I take to the cliff-side, slavering drool.

The hunger is gnawing and stabbing and cruel.

I'll wallop the wolves 'til they're tatter'd and dead.

I'll sniff out a goat-herd and knock in his head.

My succulent cudgel, it teases and tempts me,

Crooning “No. I am Weapon'd. My status exempts me.”

Then I'm climbing the tor that rears up in the heath,

And I'm breaking the rocks with my great aching teeth.

Life is too long and my belly is cramping.

I'm whining and weeping and raging and stamping.

My belly is cramping and life is too long,

But I will not eat Weapon'd. That would be wrong.

Happy Halloween or Happy Samhain

In honor of All Hallows' Eve, Phil and I have brewed up a little something special.  Consider it a Halloween treat.  Inspired by the poem A Visit from St. Nicholas, by Clement Clarke Moore and the illustrations of William Wallace Denslow (check out this fantastic resource for some of his work) we present a Samhain (pronounced sow-wain) story to get you in the appropriate mood for this wonderfully ghastly holiday.  We hope you enjoy!

(A full text version of the poem can be found after the illustrated pages)

Russell's Curio Corner #7

NUMB SKULL

Current logo for the Mount Agou
Devil Twins, the oldest and second oldest
team in Numb Skull's history.

As we’re rapidly approaching Halloween, I thought I’d keep this week’s Curio Corner in a monstrous vein.  It’s been a great year for sports what with a landmark Tour de France, a thrilling run-up to the World Series (better luck next year, Cardinals), and a truly celebrational Olympics-Paralympics.  But, yet again one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious sporting tournaments has been passed over by the sporting press.  Yes of course, I’m talking about Numb Skull. 

Now before you click the back button or navigate away to your Facebook Petition for another series of Charles in Charge, hear me out.  Yes, I know the rule changes instated this season are a bit confusing and yes the familiar buckets of blood are more like Dixie cups, but it’s still the same beautiful game that your great-great granddads once spent countless moonlit hours nightmaring about.  So, let me try and clarify a few of the new rules for you and engage in the process of reconciliation. 

1.        No clubs with nails/spikes/sharps longer than six inches.  This one’s pretty self-explanatory.  The issue of course, came to a head (or rather came off a head) when Mowngrun Brundle ( SLG .321, HEX .011, NMB 5.22, CUR .129) of the Kent Ogres impaled Yu Yi (SLG .264, HEX .640, NMB 3.12, CUR .871) of the Chungking Quilins from the Kent bench before play had even begun.  The Chungking team swarmed the stands at Hig Gumgrun Field and took early “trophies.” 

Logo for the 1997 European Champions,
the Genoa Giants.

2.       Salary caps set at 1.5 million bullion per player.  Another of the less unpopular rules.  The only protest to this rule came from the hundred-and-thirty-fifth defending world champions, The New York Alchemists (who are looking pretty flaky this year).

3.       No running without a head (unless naturally headless).  No one will forget Chindar Modi’s (SLG.625, HEX .022, NMB 4.39, CUR .482) tear-away goal of last season in which the back-eightsman ran for 223 without his head.  The contention behind this rule change is largely due to the question of possession.  Although, on the roster for the Maharashtra Vadakilla’s, the Estes Park Ghasts claimed that after decapitation he was technically on their team ((who after winning the argument became the first team to score points without playing a game) subsequently, it was later discovered that Modi was actually a transmogrified chicken and the points were later discounted; see rule #841:No Free Range Chickens).

Carcross's last logo (1963) before
becoming the Yukon Wendigos.

4.        No luring visiting supporters to their collective doom.  This rule was proposed by the European League chancellor after visiting supporters for the Shetland Fachens, Beaucaire Dracs, Cyprus Scyllas, Gdansk Poleviks, etc., disappeared after matches versus the Dusseldorf Erlkings (on a positive note, the Chancellor would like to welcome the new expansion team, the Rhineland Ghouls to the European League.  Good luck in your inaugural season.)  It has not been very popular with most players (although there has been overwhelming fan support).

5.        Abolition of the wicked-off-infield-leg-before -fly-side rule.  This change was meant to attract fans to the sport that have otherwise stayed away due to confusing and elaborate rules (it must be said, however, that this rule has never actually been enforced in the history of the game).  Only traditionalists have been remotely upset by this change, but traditionalists tend to be upset anyway, so...

The first logo of the São Paulo Invisibles.

6.       No unnecessary bloodletting rule.  Easily the most contentious of this year’s changes.  Teams most affected by this change include the Bucharest Wampirs, Amsterdam Physiks, Wisconsin Leeches, and the Kingston Loogaroos.  This rule’s staunchest opponents are stadium vendors specializing in retail sales of garlic, crosses, holy water and waterproof waders and in Amsterdam, malpractice lawyers.

So, when mid-November rolls around and the season is heating/hotting up (mainly due to the Baghdad Demon Salamanders), fish out your dusty Tallahassee Gator-Men jerseys, air out your Lithuanian Lycanthropes ballcaps and untangle your Cairo Mummies rally-towels and sit yourself down with a tasty trick-or-treat ‘cause the boys of midnight are back. 

Russell's Curio Corner #6

Well, election time is almost here.  As an American I can say with some authority that our 2,567th favorite pastime (positioned just behind the annual tradition of reading horoscopes found on the 1982 newspaper that your mom used to protect your Christmas ornaments while in storage) would most likely be voting.  And since I am currently residing across the pond I am lucky enough to get the opportunity to vote early through the medium of postal ballot.  Since sending my absentee ballot to my friendly polling locale, the election is definitely on my old crunchy peanut bar (Yank slang for "brain").  I've been looking into forecasts and portendses and estimations of voting populaces and I must say that one little nugget of statistical statistics has me, dare I say, alarmed!  The percentage of monsters registered to vote is remarkably low.  Remarkably low indeed!  So remarkable that I am forced to remark!  O!

Given this remarkable lack of figures I have been forced to adopt the position that there are a host of people out there who must not be aware that they are in fact monsters (how else could you explain the re-election of George II; or support for Todd Akin).  So, I've taken the initiative and have corralled several of the worlds leading teraspsychologists to painstakingly compile a survey that I think will help a great many of you step out of the darkness of self-unawareness and into the light of un-self-unawarenss.  So, if you would be so kind, here are the cognitive apples from my learned friends' herculean efforts.  Good luck.